What the Fucking Shit Fuck Ass Fuck Is this Doing on the Web?

Webcomics are the bane of my existence. Especially now that sites like Comics Genesis and Drunk Dunk make it possible for any idiot with a copy of How to Draw Manga to post their comic without even learning how to build a website. (In my dreams, Chris Crosby's fate after dying of a massive coronary at 37 is to spend eternity in Hell reading every single comic posted on his site.) You can even skip learning to draw entirely and make a sprite comic. If you don't know what a sprite comic is, I envy you.

Sprite comics use sprites from video games rather than the creator's own art, making it easy for thousands uncreative people to make comics starring their favorite video game characters. Like Mario, who has to figure out what to do with himself after Bowser stops kidnapping the princess in What the Fucking Shit Fuck Ass Fuck Is Mario Gonna Do Now?

The title suggested I was in for an Angry Video Game Nerd-esque experience, with random swearing substituted for humor. I didn't even get that. There are more curse words in the title than the entire run of the comic. Instead, after a painfully long explanation of why Bowser has stopped kidnapping the princess, I just get Mario bouncing from job to job and kicking Luigi off a diving board several times in what appears to be an attempt at a running gag (which may or may not be an homage to Jim Davis' famous "Garfield kicking Odie off the table" attempt at a running gag). Here's a tip for any aspiring webtoonists reading this: for a comic to be good it should either have an interesting storyline or jokes. WTFSFAFIMGDN has neither.

Now, if I was a real jerk, I could make fun of the writer's spelling and grammar, but he's obviously not a native English speaker. I will, however, suggest that he have someone with a better command of the language look over his comics before he posts them. This will save him from embarrassment and save his readers (Judging from the comments left, most of his readers appear to be his non-English speaking friends. Webspeak is not English! Do not try to learn English from the internet!) from trying to figure out what he really means.

I hope the next time you and your friends are hanging out, cracking jokes while playing Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu and you realize how easy it would be to take a couple of screen grabs, put your jokes in some speech bubbles and post the result on the internet, you don't. Instead, turn the game off and do something that will benefit society far more than another webcomic ever could. Maybe sell meth to school children.

You Got Mario in My Sonic...

Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games is getting hype as the first meeting of those video game icons. Don't buy it. Mario visited Sonic's world more than ten years ago in a pirate game from Hong Kong called Somari. The two don't meet on-screen, but Mario is wearing Sonic's shoes, which suggests an off-screen meeting. I imagine Mario jumping out from behind a bush, turtle shell in hand, beaning Sonic from behind and making off with the shoes.

The programmers took quite a few liberties with the level maps, but this is more or less an 8-bit version of the first Sonic the Hedgehog game with Mario as the hero. The programmers also forgot to include the Scrap Brain Zone and the extra life for collecting 100 rings. And those checkpoints that let you start a level in the middle after dying? They forgot those too. You realize just how helpful those are when you have to start a level over from the beginning after misjudging a jump against a boss.

Oops. Back to the start.

On the plus side, you'll never notice the extra life reward is missing. Because you probably won't go long enough without getting bumped into by something or shot by something or bumped into by something while something else is shooting you to ever get anywhere near 100 rings. There are more enemies in this game than I've ever seen in any Mario or Sonic game. I challenge you to go ten steps without getting hit by something.

This being a pirate game, there are plenty more problems. The graphics are glitchy. In the Marble Zone, moving platforms appear that aren't really there. Some of the rings can't be picked up, or can only be picked up if Mario touches them while jumping. The first boss battle is extremely flickery. The physics are off. It's almost impossible to get Mario to stop from running speed. Oh, and the music is terrible. In fact, I recommend against ever getting the invincibility power up solely because, as bad as the music is, it's even worse sped up.

Somebody needs to clean the pool.

For all it's problems, Somari is an interesting novelty and infinitely better than Sonic's adventure in the Mushroom Kingdom...