My Imaginary Conversation with the Winner of Ebay Item #250189173724

I don't know about you, but when I spend over 300 dollars on something, I want to, if not enjoy it, at least get some use out of it. That's why I wanted to interview eBay user generalhellfire, who paid $330 for The Music Machine. I wanted to know what motivates someone to spend that kind of money on something that's only valuable because nobody wanted it in the first place. However, generalhellfire never responded to my request, so I'm left to imagine how the interview would have gone.

Me: You must already own every video game worth owning if you're willing to spend $330 for The Music Machine.

Him: Yup, got 'em all. Air Raid. Stadium Events. Power Lords.

Me: Those games are terrible.

Him: Terribly rare, you mean. Admit it, you're jealous.

Me: I admit I'm jealous of the amount of disposeable income you seem to have. Have you ever considered using that money for something a little more worthwhile?

Him: I've slept with a hooker.

Me: Good for you. But what about buying something you might get some lasting enjoyment out of?

Him: Like a mail-order bride?

Me: No. Why not use that money on an Xbox 360?

Him: But lots of people have 360s. I want to be cool.

Me: So you bought The Music Machine because you thought owning a rare game would make you look cool to all the other guys on the Digital Press forum?

Him: Well, yeah? Why else are video games for?

25 Years Too Late

AtariAge forum member BigO has created an Atari 5200 controller that isn't a total piece of garbage. Learn more about this possibly miraclulous device here.

Super Fun Matching Game #1

Match the arcade game on the left with its Atari 2600 counterpart on the right. Answers below.


1-D Blueprint. 2-C Buck Rogers - Planet of Zoom. 3-A Tutankham. 4-B Zaxxon.

Video Games - The Board Game

Growing up an only child in a neighborhood with few other kids, I spent a lot of time playing video games when there wasn't anyone else around (or when I got tired of hitting that 2 out, bottom of the ninth home run in game 7 of the World Series in the back yard with my trusty Steve Garvey bat and a Wiffle Ball). Someone at Milton Bradley must have been concerned about the anti-social behavior fostered by video games because that company started churning out board game versions of every even remotely popular video game of the era. Not only were these games nowhere near as much fun as the original versions, but each of them required at least two people to play.

Running out of games to ruin, but still looking to cash in on the video game craze, MB upped the ante with Electronic Arcade Mania. Instead of a single game, Arcade Mania was based on the competitive gaming concept popularized by Twin Galaxies. It also required four people to play.


The centerpiece of Arcade Mania is The Machine, a 9-inch tall plastic arcade cabinet with 9 buttons and 9 LEDs. Using plastic overlays, The Machine can be transformed into 4 different games: Alien Raiders (kinda like Space Invaders), Rattler (kinda like Centipede), Sneak Attack (kinda like Missile Command) and Run Amuk (kinda like Berzerk). Each player selects an overlay and a corresponding pawn and that become their game. Whenever another player lands on a square with your game on it, the two of you play and whoever gets the highest score wins some chips. The other 2 players can bet their chips on who they think will be the winner. The goal is to have the most chips when the game ends.

Considering that many parents in the early 1980's considered video game playing delinquent behavior on par with doing drugs and worshiping Satan, combining gaming with the unsavory practice of gambling wasn't a great marketing decision on Milton Bradley's part. That would explain the game's obscurity, even next to Zaxxon the board game.

The four games manage to be unique and playable (though not necessarily fun), despite being nothing more than the same 9 lights blinking in different patterns. But there's no reason to limit yourself to the games programmed into The Machine. Not in the 2000's. With roughly 96% of the titles released for the Wii being collections of mini-games, it would be easy to have players select games from one of those. Or, if you want to keep the retro vibe intact, there are several classic video game collections available for current systems to choose from.

Arcade Mania will add a nostalgic twist to your next game night. Or it will make three of your friends hate you. Fortunately, you'll have your video games to keep you company should that happen.

Friends Don't Let Friends Make Sprite Comics

My tolerance for sprite comics ranks somewhere near George Wallace's tolerance for black people, so imagine my horror when I discovered a sprite comic devoted to teaching others how to make sprite comics. A Thing or Two About Sprite Comics is a series of random tutorials done by different authors, all of which could benefit greatly from a tutorial on making comics. So today, for your benefit and theirs, I present Uncle Ojo's Tips on Making a Webcomic that Isn't a Complete Waste of His Time.

First, if you and your friends are going to do a collaborative comic, actually collaborate with each other. This way you'll avoid posting a comic instructing people not to splice sprites 3 days after your buddy posted in-depth instructions on splicing sprites. It will also lessen the chances of all seven of you posting roughly the same lesson on shading in seven different comics.

Second, one of you should create some kind of template so that there will be a more uniform look and feel to the series. Also, it will help those friends who have never actually seen a comic before and aren't entirely sure what one should look like.

Third, don't let spammers join your little group. This will prevent them from posting a seven part ad for the software they developed disguised as a tutorial.

Fourth, don't use MS Paint. Ever. The only tutorial I want to see that even mentions MS Paint is one called "How to Remove MS Paint from Your Computer Forever."

Fifth, don't use l33t. This applies to all of you out there, not just the ones making sprite comics. Listen to your English teacher. Learn to spell. Don't make an ass of yourself.

Sixth, when making a tutorial comic, keep in mind that tutorials are most effective when they cover things that aren't general knowledge. For example, most people know how to use a spell check, therefore, you do not need to make a tutorial on the use of spell check. However, if you still want to make a spell check tutorial, my advice to you is to actually run a spell check on it.

Follow these simple rules and not only will your sprite comic tutorial be a hit, but it will greatly reduce the chances that I will make fun of it.

Oh, one last thing before I forget. Jokes are only jokes if they're funny to someone besides yourself.