I don't know about you, but when I spend over 300 dollars on something, I want to, if not enjoy it, at least get some use out of it. That's why I wanted to interview eBay user generalhellfire, who paid $330 for The Music Machine. I wanted to know what motivates someone to spend that kind of money on something that's only valuable because nobody wanted it in the first place. However, generalhellfire never responded to my request, so I'm left to imagine how the interview would have gone.
Me: You must already own every video game worth owning if you're willing to spend $330 for The Music Machine.
Him: Yup, got 'em all. Air Raid. Stadium Events. Power Lords.
Me: Those games are terrible.
Him: Terribly rare, you mean. Admit it, you're jealous.
Me: I admit I'm jealous of the amount of disposeable income you seem to have. Have you ever considered using that money for something a little more worthwhile?
Him: I've slept with a hooker.
Me: Good for you. But what about buying something you might get some lasting enjoyment out of?
Him: Like a mail-order bride?
Me: No. Why not use that money on an Xbox 360?
Him: But lots of people have 360s. I want to be cool.
Me: So you bought The Music Machine because you thought owning a rare game would make you look cool to all the other guys on the Digital Press forum?
Him: Well, yeah? Why else are video games for?
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
25 Years Too Late
AtariAge forum member BigO has created an Atari 5200 controller that isn't a total piece of garbage. Learn more about this possibly miraclulous device here.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Super Fun Matching Game #1
Match the arcade game on the left with its Atari 2600 counterpart on the right. Answers below.
1-D Blueprint. 2-C Buck Rogers - Planet of Zoom. 3-A Tutankham. 4-B Zaxxon.
1-D Blueprint. 2-C Buck Rogers - Planet of Zoom. 3-A Tutankham. 4-B Zaxxon.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Video Games - The Board Game
Growing up an only child in a neighborhood with few other kids, I spent a lot of time playing video games when there wasn't anyone else around (or when I got tired of hitting that 2 out, bottom of the ninth home run in game 7 of the World Series in the back yard with my trusty Steve Garvey bat and a Wiffle Ball). Someone at Milton Bradley must have been concerned about the anti-social behavior fostered by video games because that company started churning out board game versions of every even remotely popular video game of the era. Not only were these games nowhere near as much fun as the original versions, but each of them required at least two people to play.
Running out of games to ruin, but still looking to cash in on the video game craze, MB upped the ante with Electronic Arcade Mania. Instead of a single game, Arcade Mania was based on the competitive gaming concept popularized by Twin Galaxies. It also required four people to play.
The centerpiece of Arcade Mania is The Machine, a 9-inch tall plastic arcade cabinet with 9 buttons and 9 LEDs. Using plastic overlays, The Machine can be transformed into 4 different games: Alien Raiders (kinda like Space Invaders), Rattler (kinda like Centipede), Sneak Attack (kinda like Missile Command) and Run Amuk (kinda like Berzerk). Each player selects an overlay and a corresponding pawn and that become their game. Whenever another player lands on a square with your game on it, the two of you play and whoever gets the highest score wins some chips. The other 2 players can bet their chips on who they think will be the winner. The goal is to have the most chips when the game ends.
Considering that many parents in the early 1980's considered video game playing delinquent behavior on par with doing drugs and worshiping Satan, combining gaming with the unsavory practice of gambling wasn't a great marketing decision on Milton Bradley's part. That would explain the game's obscurity, even next to Zaxxon the board game.
The four games manage to be unique and playable (though not necessarily fun), despite being nothing more than the same 9 lights blinking in different patterns. But there's no reason to limit yourself to the games programmed into The Machine. Not in the 2000's. With roughly 96% of the titles released for the Wii being collections of mini-games, it would be easy to have players select games from one of those. Or, if you want to keep the retro vibe intact, there are several classic video game collections available for current systems to choose from.
Arcade Mania will add a nostalgic twist to your next game night. Or it will make three of your friends hate you. Fortunately, you'll have your video games to keep you company should that happen.
Running out of games to ruin, but still looking to cash in on the video game craze, MB upped the ante with Electronic Arcade Mania. Instead of a single game, Arcade Mania was based on the competitive gaming concept popularized by Twin Galaxies. It also required four people to play.
The centerpiece of Arcade Mania is The Machine, a 9-inch tall plastic arcade cabinet with 9 buttons and 9 LEDs. Using plastic overlays, The Machine can be transformed into 4 different games: Alien Raiders (kinda like Space Invaders), Rattler (kinda like Centipede), Sneak Attack (kinda like Missile Command) and Run Amuk (kinda like Berzerk). Each player selects an overlay and a corresponding pawn and that become their game. Whenever another player lands on a square with your game on it, the two of you play and whoever gets the highest score wins some chips. The other 2 players can bet their chips on who they think will be the winner. The goal is to have the most chips when the game ends.
Considering that many parents in the early 1980's considered video game playing delinquent behavior on par with doing drugs and worshiping Satan, combining gaming with the unsavory practice of gambling wasn't a great marketing decision on Milton Bradley's part. That would explain the game's obscurity, even next to Zaxxon the board game.
The four games manage to be unique and playable (though not necessarily fun), despite being nothing more than the same 9 lights blinking in different patterns. But there's no reason to limit yourself to the games programmed into The Machine. Not in the 2000's. With roughly 96% of the titles released for the Wii being collections of mini-games, it would be easy to have players select games from one of those. Or, if you want to keep the retro vibe intact, there are several classic video game collections available for current systems to choose from.
Arcade Mania will add a nostalgic twist to your next game night. Or it will make three of your friends hate you. Fortunately, you'll have your video games to keep you company should that happen.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Friends Don't Let Friends Make Sprite Comics
My tolerance for sprite comics ranks somewhere near George Wallace's tolerance for black people, so imagine my horror when I discovered a sprite comic devoted to teaching others how to make sprite comics. A Thing or Two About Sprite Comics is a series of random tutorials done by different authors, all of which could benefit greatly from a tutorial on making comics. So today, for your benefit and theirs, I present Uncle Ojo's Tips on Making a Webcomic that Isn't a Complete Waste of His Time.
First, if you and your friends are going to do a collaborative comic, actually collaborate with each other. This way you'll avoid posting a comic instructing people not to splice sprites 3 days after your buddy posted in-depth instructions on splicing sprites. It will also lessen the chances of all seven of you posting roughly the same lesson on shading in seven different comics.
Second, one of you should create some kind of template so that there will be a more uniform look and feel to the series. Also, it will help those friends who have never actually seen a comic before and aren't entirely sure what one should look like.
Third, don't let spammers join your little group. This will prevent them from posting a seven part ad for the software they developed disguised as a tutorial.
Fourth, don't use MS Paint. Ever. The only tutorial I want to see that even mentions MS Paint is one called "How to Remove MS Paint from Your Computer Forever."
Fifth, don't use l33t. This applies to all of you out there, not just the ones making sprite comics. Listen to your English teacher. Learn to spell. Don't make an ass of yourself.
Sixth, when making a tutorial comic, keep in mind that tutorials are most effective when they cover things that aren't general knowledge. For example, most people know how to use a spell check, therefore, you do not need to make a tutorial on the use of spell check. However, if you still want to make a spell check tutorial, my advice to you is to actually run a spell check on it.
Follow these simple rules and not only will your sprite comic tutorial be a hit, but it will greatly reduce the chances that I will make fun of it.
Oh, one last thing before I forget. Jokes are only jokes if they're funny to someone besides yourself.
First, if you and your friends are going to do a collaborative comic, actually collaborate with each other. This way you'll avoid posting a comic instructing people not to splice sprites 3 days after your buddy posted in-depth instructions on splicing sprites. It will also lessen the chances of all seven of you posting roughly the same lesson on shading in seven different comics.
Second, one of you should create some kind of template so that there will be a more uniform look and feel to the series. Also, it will help those friends who have never actually seen a comic before and aren't entirely sure what one should look like.
Third, don't let spammers join your little group. This will prevent them from posting a seven part ad for the software they developed disguised as a tutorial.
Fourth, don't use MS Paint. Ever. The only tutorial I want to see that even mentions MS Paint is one called "How to Remove MS Paint from Your Computer Forever."
Fifth, don't use l33t. This applies to all of you out there, not just the ones making sprite comics. Listen to your English teacher. Learn to spell. Don't make an ass of yourself.
Sixth, when making a tutorial comic, keep in mind that tutorials are most effective when they cover things that aren't general knowledge. For example, most people know how to use a spell check, therefore, you do not need to make a tutorial on the use of spell check. However, if you still want to make a spell check tutorial, my advice to you is to actually run a spell check on it.
Follow these simple rules and not only will your sprite comic tutorial be a hit, but it will greatly reduce the chances that I will make fun of it.
Oh, one last thing before I forget. Jokes are only jokes if they're funny to someone besides yourself.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Elevator Inaction
Somewhere out there, sitting in a poorly lit room, listening to Rush, there's a man working on the next great Atari 2600 game. The year isn't 1981. No, no, my friend. It's 2007. And while that game isn't ready yet, many are. Homebrew games. Created by dedicated fans of long dead gaming systems.
Released this past summer, Elevators Amiss is a hombrew game that, in my humble opinion anyway, misses the mark. First, don't put the word "amiss" in your title. It gives way too much ammunition to smart-ass game reviewers. Second, don't make the enemy a box.
The premise of this game makes absolutely no sense. The player controls a maid in a hotel where the elevators have "taken on a life of their own!" Gotcha. I'll use the stairs. Only in order to get to the stairs, I have to avoid the out-of-control elevators. I'm no architect, but elevators normally live in elevator shafts, not hotel hallways. As long as I don't try to get on one of them, they can't possibly be an obstacle to me.
The controls make absolutely no sense either. On the normal and expert settings, the maid can't stop moving once she starts across a floor, she can only change direction to avoid the elevators that shouldn't be a threat to her anyway. Is she supposed to wait until the moment she can shoot all the way across the floor to the staircase, or do the back-and-forth Pac-Man dance until the way is clear?
There isn't a terrible amount of variation from level to level. The colors change and the speeds of the elevators becomes more varied. There's no variation whatsoever in the annoying music, which plays nonstop throughout the game. The only other sound effect is that of the maid going up the stairs. Visually, the game is very clean-looking. The maid sprite looks very nice and the animation of her running is cute.
If only she were running through a more inspired game.
Released this past summer, Elevators Amiss is a hombrew game that, in my humble opinion anyway, misses the mark. First, don't put the word "amiss" in your title. It gives way too much ammunition to smart-ass game reviewers. Second, don't make the enemy a box.
The premise of this game makes absolutely no sense. The player controls a maid in a hotel where the elevators have "taken on a life of their own!" Gotcha. I'll use the stairs. Only in order to get to the stairs, I have to avoid the out-of-control elevators. I'm no architect, but elevators normally live in elevator shafts, not hotel hallways. As long as I don't try to get on one of them, they can't possibly be an obstacle to me.
The controls make absolutely no sense either. On the normal and expert settings, the maid can't stop moving once she starts across a floor, she can only change direction to avoid the elevators that shouldn't be a threat to her anyway. Is she supposed to wait until the moment she can shoot all the way across the floor to the staircase, or do the back-and-forth Pac-Man dance until the way is clear?
There isn't a terrible amount of variation from level to level. The colors change and the speeds of the elevators becomes more varied. There's no variation whatsoever in the annoying music, which plays nonstop throughout the game. The only other sound effect is that of the maid going up the stairs. Visually, the game is very clean-looking. The maid sprite looks very nice and the animation of her running is cute.
If only she were running through a more inspired game.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Veteran of the Penguin Wars
In Penguin Wars, you control Arctos, leader of the Penguin Rebel Forces, in his battle against the oppressive General Tusk and his Walrus Army. On your way to the Final Confrontation you'll have to rescue imprisoned penguins, fight your way out of the belly of a killer whale and navigate treacherous ice floes.
Just kidding. Penguin Wars is part dodge ball, part air hockey and part Hello Kitty. You pick one of five cute animals to play as and throw balls across a ping pong table at other cute animals.
Each cute animal begins the game with five balls on its side of the table. To win, either get all ten balls to the other side of the table at the same time or have the fewest balls on your side when time runs out. Scoring a direct hit on the other cute animal temporarily paralyzes them, giving you a chance you get all your balls to the other side. If you're not into playing fair, it's possible to hit cute animals while they're down, giving you more points and more time to get your balls across. Winning a set in two straight games lets you play a bonus round for extra points.
Each cute animal has its own strengths and weaknesses. The rat moves the fastest, but throws balls the slowest. The cow moves slow but doesn't stay knocked out as long when hit. The penguin takes on the role of Mario, getting not only the title nod but also the most average stats.
Penguin Wars is cute, fun and well animated. The main knock is that it's so short. There are only four other cute animals to beat and once you beat them all, that's it. If you've got two Game Boys, a link cable, another copy of the game and a friend, you can play a 2-player match. That's a lot of work to add to the play value of one game. Especially since meeting people offline is so hard.
Just kidding. Penguin Wars is part dodge ball, part air hockey and part Hello Kitty. You pick one of five cute animals to play as and throw balls across a ping pong table at other cute animals.
Each cute animal begins the game with five balls on its side of the table. To win, either get all ten balls to the other side of the table at the same time or have the fewest balls on your side when time runs out. Scoring a direct hit on the other cute animal temporarily paralyzes them, giving you a chance you get all your balls to the other side. If you're not into playing fair, it's possible to hit cute animals while they're down, giving you more points and more time to get your balls across. Winning a set in two straight games lets you play a bonus round for extra points.
Each cute animal has its own strengths and weaknesses. The rat moves the fastest, but throws balls the slowest. The cow moves slow but doesn't stay knocked out as long when hit. The penguin takes on the role of Mario, getting not only the title nod but also the most average stats.
Penguin Wars is cute, fun and well animated. The main knock is that it's so short. There are only four other cute animals to beat and once you beat them all, that's it. If you've got two Game Boys, a link cable, another copy of the game and a friend, you can play a 2-player match. That's a lot of work to add to the play value of one game. Especially since meeting people offline is so hard.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Golf + Ninjas = Bodacious
The 1980's were the Decade of the Ninja. Ninja Turtles. Ninja Gaiden. Ninja High School. American Ninja. You couldn't walk ten feet without tripping over something that had been ninjafied. The ninja craze didn't escape the notice of the folks at Atari, but instead of churning out yet another hack 'n' slash ninja game, they came up with... Ninja Golf.
Unlike other golf video games, Ninja Golf isn't about picking the right club to get to the green from 75 yards out in a 10 mph cross wind. You don't pick clubs at all. In fact, the actual golf part of this game only takes up about 30 seconds of a nine hole game. But hey, you're a gamer. The only reason you even know there's a difference between a sand wedge and a pitching wedge is that you spent a week straight playing Tiger Woods '07 when it was released for the Wii.
No, Ninja Golf is all about kicking the crap out of ninjas and giant frogs. Once you've teed off, you've got to run to the spot your ball landed to take your next shot. Along the way you'll encounter other ninjas, fight off cobras as you traverse the sand traps, cross shark infested water hazards and dodge dirt clods thrown by giant gophers. The fighting element is a basic side-scrolling karate game, i.e. Kung Fu. Your character can jump, kick and throw ninja stars, which are plentiful on the course along with other power-ups such as temporary invincibility and health.
Once you've reached the green, you don't putt, which is fine with me because putting is usually the most frustrating part of a golf video game. Instead, you fight a fire-breathing dragon by throwing your ninja stars at it in a blatant Shinobi rip-off. Rather than die in some glorious fashion, the dragon simply flies off after you hit it enough, licks its wounds and tries again next hole.
The dragon fight is the best looking part of the game. Everything else is very blocky, even for a game this old. The sound effects are serviceable, but unspectacular. The whole audio-visual experience is very underwhelming, even with cute additions like playing the Jaws theme when you're underwater.
Judged as just a golf game or just a fighting game, Ninja Golf is below average at best. The combination makes for something just off-beat enough to be fun despite its flaws. If, for some reason, you don't have an Atari 7800 (the only system this game was released for, eat that Nintendo) or an emulator, there's a cumbersome flash version, but stick with the original if you can.
Unlike other golf video games, Ninja Golf isn't about picking the right club to get to the green from 75 yards out in a 10 mph cross wind. You don't pick clubs at all. In fact, the actual golf part of this game only takes up about 30 seconds of a nine hole game. But hey, you're a gamer. The only reason you even know there's a difference between a sand wedge and a pitching wedge is that you spent a week straight playing Tiger Woods '07 when it was released for the Wii.
No, Ninja Golf is all about kicking the crap out of ninjas and giant frogs. Once you've teed off, you've got to run to the spot your ball landed to take your next shot. Along the way you'll encounter other ninjas, fight off cobras as you traverse the sand traps, cross shark infested water hazards and dodge dirt clods thrown by giant gophers. The fighting element is a basic side-scrolling karate game, i.e. Kung Fu. Your character can jump, kick and throw ninja stars, which are plentiful on the course along with other power-ups such as temporary invincibility and health.
Once you've reached the green, you don't putt, which is fine with me because putting is usually the most frustrating part of a golf video game. Instead, you fight a fire-breathing dragon by throwing your ninja stars at it in a blatant Shinobi rip-off. Rather than die in some glorious fashion, the dragon simply flies off after you hit it enough, licks its wounds and tries again next hole.
The dragon fight is the best looking part of the game. Everything else is very blocky, even for a game this old. The sound effects are serviceable, but unspectacular. The whole audio-visual experience is very underwhelming, even with cute additions like playing the Jaws theme when you're underwater.
Judged as just a golf game or just a fighting game, Ninja Golf is below average at best. The combination makes for something just off-beat enough to be fun despite its flaws. If, for some reason, you don't have an Atari 7800 (the only system this game was released for, eat that Nintendo) or an emulator, there's a cumbersome flash version, but stick with the original if you can.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
There's a Little Pervert in All of Us
Approximately seventeen times a day, someone discovers Custer's Revenge, thinks it's hilarious that there are adult Atari 2600 games and writes what they think is a clever, insightful, maybe even humorous blog on the subject. These would-be comedians, most of them born long after the demise of the 2600, typically focus on how stupid 80's people must have been to be titillated by heavily pixelated sex.
As a public service to these newcomers, I provide the following information about a couple of games they might find disappointing.
Hole Hunter is not about hunting that hole. Instead, you control a guy with a hammer trying to bash in the brains of large rat-like animals. There's no indication of what these animals might have done to deserve having their brains bashed in. It's possible the guy with the hammer is simply a colossal dick.
Gameplay is fairly simple. You move the guy around the screen and hit rat-things with the hammer. Ideally, you hit them before they leave their holes, as they are difficult to catch once they come out. Getting touched by a rat-thing won't kill you, but it will cause you to lose points. Occasionally, some unidentifiable creature will move across the screen from right to left in a straight line. This thing can kill you. Below your score is a timer counting you down from 20 minutes. I have no idea what happens when it reaches zero. I always get bored and quit long before then.
Ram It, despite the name and the fact that you control something called a "ramroid" is also not even the least bit dirty. Rather, you use your ramroid to shoot back the advancing color bars before they trap you or you run out of time.
The ramroid moves up and down along the gray line in the center of the screen and can shoot to the left and right. By shooting the color bars, you gradually push them off the screen. Clear the screen to move on to the next. Run out of time and you have to start over. It's a pretty simple game that's fun for a little while, but you'll probably want to keep your copy of Lula.
That's all for today, but be sure to come back for the disappointing truth about Acid Drop.
As a public service to these newcomers, I provide the following information about a couple of games they might find disappointing.
Hole Hunter is not about hunting that hole. Instead, you control a guy with a hammer trying to bash in the brains of large rat-like animals. There's no indication of what these animals might have done to deserve having their brains bashed in. It's possible the guy with the hammer is simply a colossal dick.
Gameplay is fairly simple. You move the guy around the screen and hit rat-things with the hammer. Ideally, you hit them before they leave their holes, as they are difficult to catch once they come out. Getting touched by a rat-thing won't kill you, but it will cause you to lose points. Occasionally, some unidentifiable creature will move across the screen from right to left in a straight line. This thing can kill you. Below your score is a timer counting you down from 20 minutes. I have no idea what happens when it reaches zero. I always get bored and quit long before then.
Ram It, despite the name and the fact that you control something called a "ramroid" is also not even the least bit dirty. Rather, you use your ramroid to shoot back the advancing color bars before they trap you or you run out of time.
The ramroid moves up and down along the gray line in the center of the screen and can shoot to the left and right. By shooting the color bars, you gradually push them off the screen. Clear the screen to move on to the next. Run out of time and you have to start over. It's a pretty simple game that's fun for a little while, but you'll probably want to keep your copy of Lula.
That's all for today, but be sure to come back for the disappointing truth about Acid Drop.
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